ADHD: down the rabbit hole we go

The things I love about my neurodivergent brain and the things that drive me mad

I was eight years old when I first realised my brain worked differently from others. When my reading test results came back higher than students four years ahead of me, my second-grade teacher had me tutor my classmates to save her time. By age ten I was placed in the advanced academic class, and despite missing large parts of Year 12 due to health issues, I graduated high school with marks in the top 10% of the state. As long as a subject genuinely captivates my interest, my brain eagerly absorbs new information. 

There’s a meme circulating social media right now that says, “If you were in the 'Gifted and Talented' program at your school in the 90s, how’s your ADHD, high-functioning anxiety, and perfectionist-based procrastination going? Bonus if you’re also the eldest daughter and now fully immersed in your own spiritual journey.”

Um, hello, hi — it’s me?

ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and according to ADHD UK¹, people with ADHD ‘show a persistent pattern of inattention and / or hyperactivity–impulsivity that interferes with day-to-day functioning or development.’ It lives under the neurodivergence umbrella, along with Autism, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Tourette Syndrome, and others.

A naturopath first sparked my exploration of neurodivergence in November 2022. As she reviewed my health history, she noted from a hormone test that my dopamine levels were low and inquired about the ADHD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) diagnoses within my immediate family.

Though I was initially annoyed by this line of enquiry (I was there to have my fertility markers tested, not to be questioned on my neurology), I spoke to my parents about this, and then my sisters, and then hop-skipped-and-jumped down the research rabbit hole (as I’ve learned us neurodivergent types tend to do) which led me to seriously entertain the possibility that my brain is not a typical brain, and some might say, is an ADHD brain. 

How many of you can relate to this meme?

Since then, I've worked one-on-one with a therapist specialising in neurodivergence (this has been so supportive and illuminating), and continued my self-study through books, podcasts, and conversations with friends. In March of this year, I began a six-month training in Neurodiversity for coaches through Animas Centre for Coaching where I am learning so much about working with neurodivergent clients.

I am passionate and excited about integrating everything I’m learning into my coaching practice, in the same way I was when I began integrating menstrual cycle awareness into my practice ten years ago. The world isn't designed for women, and all those with periods, and it also isn't built for people whose brains differ from the typical. This issue is contextual. Just as the female body thrives when allowed to follow its natural, cyclical rhythm (living in harmony with the menstrual cycle), neurodivergent individuals thrive in environments that accommodate their unique needs and strengths.

Square peg, round hole, etc.

Just as the female body thrives when allowed to follow its natural, cyclical rhythm (living in harmony with the menstrual cycle), neurodivergent individuals thrive in environments that accommodate their unique needs and strengths.

I want to address a question you might have at this point: Have I been officially diagnosed with ADHD? No, I have not. I might start the process this year, but I also might not. Currently, I resonate most with the term ‘neurodivergent’ because, while I strongly identify with the ADHD experience, I don’t love that it includes the words ‘deficit’ and ‘disorder,’ neither of which resonate with me.

To me, my brain is just different. I also don’t need medication right now, though I have tried Ritalin and Modafinil (unprescribed) (I do not recommend taking unprescribed medication — this was a personal choice and experiment), both of which made a positive difference in my ability to stick methodically to a task, particularly the Ritalin. Medication can be incredibly helpful for ADHD folk.

I say helpful, because having a brain like this can be tough.

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Things I find tricky about having an ADHD brain:

• I am wholly averse to office environments and cannot sit at a desk all day, no matter where I am. I need to move around a lot, whether that’s shifting location, fidgeting or taking breaks for exercise.

• Same aversion for queuing and waiting in line for anything. 

• I’ll often blank out on entire chunks of conversation, having to ask others to repeat themselves, or do my best to nod, smile and catch up.

• I am, and have always been, unable to process verbal instructions, whether this be someone explaining the rules of a board game or kindly giving me directions. I will usually just smile and nod, knowing I will figure it out as I get going.

• Household tasks can be challenging, such as keeping up to date with laundry. There’s so many steps to get clean clothes! Sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away… remembering to do each one on the same day is nearly impossible for me.

• I feel rejection as a physical pain in my body and have contorted myself into all kinds of shapes to avoid criticism. This is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and I’ll write more about this one another day. 

• A habit of interrupting people, though working as a coach has really helped me to stop doing this.

• Forgetting cups of tea, leaving them cold and stranded all over the house. Same with running a hot bath, only to forget about it and having to empty the tub and start again.

• A confusing inability to verbally communicate how I feel sometimes, even though my emotional landscape is deep, diverse and alive. This one I am working on all of the time and has improved so, so much.

I am, and have always been, unable to process verbal instructions, whether this be someone explaining the rules of a board game or kindly giving me directions. I will usually just smile and nod, knowing I will figure it out as I get going.

• Needing to be at home a lot. This frustrated my ex; he couldn’t understand why I found co-working spaces or supermarkets so tiring, let alone living in a city like London. At home I can monitor just the right level of stimulation from music, sounds, light, textures, and so on.

• But also needing novelty and change! The idea of my days looking and feeling the same, day in and day out, makes my stomach tense.

• Accidentally shutting people out. I can become a lone wolf and upset the people I love as it’s easy for me to go weeks without speaking to friends and family.

• Forgetting to eat lunch is a pretty regular occurrence. Same with going to the bathroom.

• Experiencing total mental paralysis some days, particularly when I’m stressed; not knowing how to approach the day or what to do next.

• Time blindness! Oh this is a good one. I have to work so hard not to be late to things or rushing. When I give myself ‘extra’ minutes, I fill them with ‘extra’ things. ’Not enough’ minutes and I’m late.

• Losing stuff. Breaking things. (‘Accident prone’, ‘careless’, ‘airhead’ — ugh, the things people say, especially to kids!)

• Self-medicating — ‘turning my brain off’ either with exercise (at best) or wine (at worst).

These aspects of myself are so familiar, so built-in to who I am. I notice some sadness in my heart as I admit to you that they are the parts I have often struggled to accept or felt ashamed of — especially my tendency to be late, messy, disorganised, or easily distracted.

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And then there are the strengths, of course. Of which there are so many!

• I largely credit the success of my business on my neurodivergent brain. I’m empathetic, innovative and creative; I think differently and see possibilities, pathways and solutions that others don’t. No one was working as a menstrual cycle coach when I started asking my clients about their periods. It just seemed obvious to me, and now it just seems obvious to everyone (mostly).

• I can hyperfocus and accomplish a great deal of work in a relatively small amount of time.

• My low risk aversion has taught me to appreciate how impulsiveness can serve me well when making bold and courageous moves, such as moving to the other side of the world, becoming self-employed, or leaving a relationship.

• My need for novelty has led me to so many rich and unconventional places, people and experiences. Oh, the stories I could tell!

• The amazing neurodivergent people in my life! Many of my friends and family members (ADHD has a strong genetic component²) also hang out under this umbrella and I love the way they live, love and look at the world. They’re some of the most interesting people I know. When I asked my therapist, ‘Isn’t everyone neurodivergent?’, she replied, ‘No, but it can seem like that because ND people seem to attract other ND people.’

• My quick-thinking brain and strong intuition often allow me to anticipate what people are going to say before they say it or predict what’s about to happen next in a movie.

• I get obsessed with things and it's usually a lot of fun. Whether it's a TV show like Outlander or This Is Us (and the subsequent fan podcasts), or a random breakfast question that leads to a half-day Reddit analysis ("Are any MBTI types more likely to be associated with Autism?³", "Which narrative threads were unresolved in Harry Potter?⁴", "What was the real story behind Alan Turing’s death and the half-eaten apple?⁵"), when something genuinely intrigues me, I'm all in. Buckle up, because I need to know everything — let's go.

• I have a lot of natural energy, playfulness, vitality, and love for life!

• Neurodivergence often intersects with diverse and unconventional ways of relating; in the past I’ve explored non-monogamy, same-sex attraction and all kinds of fun and interesting kinks.

• I live my life in a way that is very Claire-y. I knew early on that the 9-5 wasn’t for me and abandoned many other societal norms about how life ‘should’ look a long time ago.

I largely credit the success of my business on my neurodivergent brain. No one was working as a menstrual cycle coach when I started asking my clients about their periods. It just seemed obvious to me, and now it just seems obvious to everyone (mostly).

And there’s so, so much more, yet I’m just beginning to peel back the layers of this neurodivergent onion. Just like I had previously wondered, you might also be thinking, ‘but all of those things are just human things, right? Isn’t everyone a little ADHD?’

The answer to that question really is ‘no’.

While some people occasionally exhibit inattention or impulsivity, for someone with an ADHD brain, these patterns are persistent and can significantly impact health, relationships, work, self-care, and so on. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses but in neurodivergent and / or ADHD brains, these are more pronounced, creating a ‘spiky profile’. Like everyone, neurodivergent people are good at some things and not-so-good at other things, but the difference between the two tends to be much greater than it is for most people.

From Stimpunks Foundation: Mutual Aid and Human-Centered Learning for Neurodivergent and Disabled People @ stimpunks.com

For example, someone with ADHD could exhibit exceptional verbal skills, creativity, and hyperfocus in areas of interest (see: ‘Gifted & Talented’ student meme), yet face significant challenges with working memory, attention and organisation.

I had intended to discuss the strategies I've been using to navigate these challenges — most are strategies I've been employing all my life without fully realising it. Such as, my obsession with planning systems, the juggling of at least three to-do lists at any given time, my genuine need to exercise before sitting down to work, taking notes in client sessions, and a preference for walking meetings. However, with the current word count now well over 2000, let's save that for part two, coming soon.

I’m also fascinated by the way that Autism and ADHD manifest and express in the female mind and body, in particular the impact of hormonal changes that occur during the menstrual cycle, puberty, peri-menopause, and menopause. Lots to report from this rabbit hole soon!

Until then, tell me:

1. Have you been exploring the landscape of your lovely brain too? What have you discovered?

2. Does this post bring up any questions for you? I might not have the answers but I can do my best to point you in the right direction.

I’d love to hear from fellow neurodivergent folk or anyone this story resonates with. If you know someone in your life who might feel a little less alone from reading this piece, please forward it on. While there is a paywall, anyone is able access a 7-day free trial to read.

Further reading and listening:

• Book: The Pocketguide to Neurodiversity by Daniel Aherne (Daniel is a lecturer in the training I’m taking and I’ve really enjoyed his sessions on both ADHD and Autism)

• Book: How Not To Fit In: An Unapologetic Guide to Navigating Autism & ADHD by Jess Joy & Charlotte Mia

• Podcast: The cyclic nature of female ADHD on Wild Flow with Charlotte Pointeaux and guest Adele Wimsett

• Youtube: How to ADHD (this channel was a recommendation from my therapist and there’s some great information on here)

Big love!

1. https://adhduk.co.uk/about-adhd/

2. Faraone, S. V., & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Molecular psychiatry, 24(4), 562–575.

3. While types INTP and INTJ may share some characteristics with autistic folks, the MBTI is a personality based concept which is entirely different to a clinical diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and there is no correlation.

4. Maybe the veil that Sirius falls through at the Ministry of Magic? Why didn’t Peter Pettigrew ever repay Harry for sparing his life in the third book? This has annoyed me for years!

5. Some believe it to have been suicide, others believe accidental. Either way, it was tragic. What a stark reminder of the injustices the LGBTQIA+ community have faced, and continue to.