I want to have a baby

& other thoughts on pre-conception

I want to have a baby. Wow, that feels like a big thing to put on the internet. The desire to have a baby is not an uncommon one, so why does it feel taboo to make this so public?

We seem to be getting better at talking about the importance of honouring the sacred weeks following birth, but what about the weeks (months, years) prior to conception?

This is the curious space I’ve been hanging out in for about 18 months now, when the desire to become a Mother first landed solidly within me; I was 32-years old and surprised — I’d been casually contemplating a child-free existence for awhile. But there it was as clear as day: I want to be a mum.

My partner and I haven’t started ‘trying’ (I wish we didn’t use that word) to conceive yet. I’m still in the Preparing phase, as Heng Ou calls it in her book, ‘Awakening Fertility: The Essential Art of Preparing for Pregnancy’. For the last year-and-a-half I’ve explored this desire, encountering my hopes, fears, dreams and concerns about motherhood, made gradual and nourishing changes in my lifestyle and prioritised my fertility.

I’ve watched my experience of each phase of my cycle change; a slither of sadness at menstruation, a sense of urgency in my libido at ovulation, a long ‘sigh’ within as my cervical fluid dries up for yet another cycle.

I know it’s not the right time yet, but my body has other ideas. I’ve watched my inner reactions change to friend’s pregnancy announcements — still excitement, but also, honestly, envy. On day 26 of my cycle today I feel calm, content and trusting, but I reckon there’ll be a glimmer of grief when my blood shortly arrives. 

---

Why don’t we talk about this bit? The bit BEFORE the 12-week announcement, the bit BEFORE we start having unprotected sex in the fertile window, the bit when the desire lands and is accompanied by so many questions: 

Will I actually get to become a mother? What if I don’t? How long will it take? What if it doesn’t happen right away? Am I ready for this? Who will I even have a child with? What if I regret it? What if I regret not doing it? Do I want to take the biological route — or is a different path to Motherhood the one for me? 

Look, I’m a trained and certified fertility awareness teacher and I know how to track my fertile window with my eyes closed. I know how to protect my fertility. I’ve been working 1:1 with women on this journey for many years. But even with all of that information and experience, I am not immune to the complex feelings that can accompany ‘This Before Bit’ let alone ‘The Bit Where We’re Actually Trying.’

Here’s a little on how I’m navigating this time:

• I’m reading books on the topic or topics adjacent. I’ve read and loved ‘Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have’ by Walter Makichen and I do believe and trust in the timing of when my own spirit baby is meant to be be find its feet on this earthly plane, via my womb.

• I’ve been taking care of my fertile health for many years, but have cranked things up a notch in the past year or so with fertility-boosting foods, herbs and supplements. These have been curated for me and my health needs specifically, so I won’t list them here, but for guidance on nourishing your fertility and identifying your fertile window, check out Nat Kringoudis’ website, books and courses on boosting fertility naturally.

• I’m also a big fan of acupuncture and have been getting these health and fertility-boosting pins stuck in me regularly for about 8 years. Big love to my first ever acupuncturist and herbalist Amy O’Brien who inspires me hugely in her own journey of becoming a Mother.

• I also want to acknowledge and thank my friend Lacey Haynes for everything I’ve learned from her in the realms of holistic pre-conception care, particularly on healing one’s relationship with Motherhood. You’ll find Lacey’s wisdom on conscious conception threaded throughout ‘Awakening Fertility’.

• The biggest support in my life right now, as I navigate this strange passage myself, is, perhaps ironically, my menstrual cycle. Death and rebirth embodied she is full of feedback and wisdom; whether it’s the length of my luteal phase (a key indicator in one’s fertility) or reminding me every time I ovulate just how creative and powerful my body is, even without a baby in my belly.

I’m grateful for the love I feel for and from my womb. And I’m curious AF about what’s still to come from her.

Big love!